So Tired

This is a phrase I'm so used to saying that my husband Kenny says I no longer need to say it, it's understood....

I have Narcolepsy. I was diagnosed in the fall of 2006 during my student teaching. I knew it wasn't normal how much I fell asleep at the wheel, how I couldn't keep myself awake late at night no matter how hard I tried, and that I actually fell asleep more often than not during nap time when working at a daycare.  I had a blood test done, and some sleeping tests... this was the conclusion... It's not easy to deal with, especially when tiredness is something that everyone experiences and everyone thinks they can understand or identify.

The best explanation I can give is this: if you've ever been severely sleep deprived for multiple nights in a row (think back to college) maybe averaging 3-4 hours for several days straight, that's close. Now imagine that feeling after having 8-9 hours of sleep. Not only am I tired, but my body aches, I can't seem to move sometimes, my head hurts, my memory stinks, I sometimes struggle to form sentences, I feel like I'm wearing a 10lb. lead vest, it's hard to lift my arms, and my energy is zapped out of me. This is almost a daily feeling, this is how I live. You can't just tell me to drink a coffee, or coke. Taking a nap only helps sometimes. Even my medicine (basically an amphetamine) only keeps me going for a while. There is no cure, and you can only learn to live with it.

During the summer when I don't work (therefore I can store up my energy) and I don't like to take my medicine all time I think I've beat Narcolepsy! lol. I can't believe I actually think that! Then the school year starts and I'm reminded how badly it effects me. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't want to go out with friends, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to cook dinners for my husband, I especially don't want to do school work.

It's easy for me to just give up. I constantly ask God why I have this. It's hard to tell myself that God is good, and He has a plan for my life. I have to try to remember that others that are dealing with a chronic condition could use me as a witness for God's goodness, but I have to believe it before I can preach it. Often with this physical pain comes guilt. I feel bad for my husband that our lives have to be sometimes dictated by Narcolepsy. We can't stay out too late, I can't drive past 10 pm, my lack of energy effects me in so many ways that also effect him. I pray often for our understanding of God's plan as well as patience concerning this condition. Any encouraging or God-glorifying words are welcome. :)