So Tired

This is a phrase I'm so used to saying that my husband Kenny says I no longer need to say it, it's understood....

I have Narcolepsy. I was diagnosed in the fall of 2006 during my student teaching. I knew it wasn't normal how much I fell asleep at the wheel, how I couldn't keep myself awake late at night no matter how hard I tried, and that I actually fell asleep more often than not during nap time when working at a daycare.  I had a blood test done, and some sleeping tests... this was the conclusion... It's not easy to deal with, especially when tiredness is something that everyone experiences and everyone thinks they can understand or identify.

The best explanation I can give is this: if you've ever been severely sleep deprived for multiple nights in a row (think back to college) maybe averaging 3-4 hours for several days straight, that's close. Now imagine that feeling after having 8-9 hours of sleep. Not only am I tired, but my body aches, I can't seem to move sometimes, my head hurts, my memory stinks, I sometimes struggle to form sentences, I feel like I'm wearing a 10lb. lead vest, it's hard to lift my arms, and my energy is zapped out of me. This is almost a daily feeling, this is how I live. You can't just tell me to drink a coffee, or coke. Taking a nap only helps sometimes. Even my medicine (basically an amphetamine) only keeps me going for a while. There is no cure, and you can only learn to live with it.

During the summer when I don't work (therefore I can store up my energy) and I don't like to take my medicine all time I think I've beat Narcolepsy! lol. I can't believe I actually think that! Then the school year starts and I'm reminded how badly it effects me. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't want to go out with friends, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to cook dinners for my husband, I especially don't want to do school work.

It's easy for me to just give up. I constantly ask God why I have this. It's hard to tell myself that God is good, and He has a plan for my life. I have to try to remember that others that are dealing with a chronic condition could use me as a witness for God's goodness, but I have to believe it before I can preach it. Often with this physical pain comes guilt. I feel bad for my husband that our lives have to be sometimes dictated by Narcolepsy. We can't stay out too late, I can't drive past 10 pm, my lack of energy effects me in so many ways that also effect him. I pray often for our understanding of God's plan as well as patience concerning this condition. Any encouraging or God-glorifying words are welcome. :)

Learning from Children

Sometimes I learn more about God from my 4th graders than I do from my own reasoning. I've been thinking about the concept of repentance for a few months now, but this was a new thought:

One of my students, probably the sweetest girl alive, said something that broke my heart. I like to have a very sarcastic relationship with my students, goofy and silly. This student was copying something from the board and I was standing in front of her helping another student. She then said to me, "Mrs. Gatliff, I can't see, you need to move." I gave her a look then a smile and said, "Well, soooorrrryy!" A few minutes later she got out of her seat and approached me and said, "I'm sorry Mrs. Gatliff, that was rude of me to say that to you." Needless to say I was dumbfounded. I kindly told her, "It's more than alright sweetie".

This sweet child, who would never in her life be rude or unkind to anyone just repented to her teacher for a comment she thought could have made me upset with her. Repentance is such a bizarre thing. I think there are many purposes for repentance...

1. The most important purpose is to repent to God for our sins as we are called to do to work out our salvation in obedience.
2. The next one is to repent to the ones that we sin against because we actually have had sinful thoughts or actions that could interfere with the relationship or doesn't lead them closer to the Lord.
3. The third (I'm sure there are others) is to repent to ones that we could have accidentally sinned against to demonstrate the personality of Christ, even if that person doesn't see it as sin.

This child was afraid that she was being disrespectful, I didn't see it that way at all. I generally have this sarcastic way of talking to my students and they throw it back at me and I smile. She shocked me and showed me such humility.

When a person doesn't expect a repentance it demonstrates the pure love and understanding of the sin that separates us from Christ and each other. It can catch us off guard and warm our hearts to those doing the repenting.

When in doubt, repent. Take away the pride, the arrogance, or the need for justice... no bad can ever come from a warm, from the heart appology. In the end the relationship will be restored.