It's been a while...

OK, it has been a while, but in my attempts to still blog and journal for myself I will start this up again...

Graduate school is officially over! I have just completed my Master's Degree in Elementary Reading. Even though it was hard, and had a lot of work involved... but over all, I feel like I learned a lot and increased my professional methodology as a teacher.

I have been learning a lot about life and myself lately:

1. I am the epitome of a procrastinator... I learned this in grad school.
2. I can be lazy... now this is probably due to my diagnosis with Narcolepsy, which is understandable... but still, I sometimes let my tiredness overcome me without giving it much fight or a hope.
3. I have no discipline... the moment I don't have time for something all goes out the window... my momentum stops and it's really hard for me to get back into a routine.
4. God calls me... even though I'm so screwed up... I stink at life. God still loves me and He still calls me to do his work. God is great at calling the unworthy, the least likely, the messed up, this is why He called me. He can use me if I let him, now I only need to stay open to His will and plan for my life...

more to come later...

My "Where I Come From" Poem

Princeton High School's Performance Poetry class came to our Professional Development day and shared some wonderful "Where I Come From" poems... we were then instructed to write our own... It's been a while since I've written anything for myself, so I thought I'd put mine into public words:

Where do I come from?
I come from a place where
you feed the cows,
tend the fields,
and pull your britches up.

I come from a place
where family is the center,
and they are what matters.

I come from a place of shreds,
where that family was torn,
and you were placed
hundreds of miles away
from the thing you call home.

You were placed in Ohio,
to live with a sister that is young,
a mother under appreciated,
and a father that is wasted.
Running away from the drugs and drinking,
clinging to a mother of 2 small girls.

I come from a place
where you were taught to be strong,
fight back, and earn what you have.

I come from a place where food stamps
turned into management jobs,
and good-will clothes
turn into J.C. Penny.

I come from a mother that teaches
hard work and dedication
will get you through life
and one day you'll have
the family you were meant to.

Pumpkin Pies and Princesses!

The first weekend in October my 4 year old niece Hazel asked me if I would help her make a pumpkin pie... how could I turn her down? We made a pie and some pumpkin and chocolate chip cookies while watching Disney Princess movies... then we had a campfire and roasted marshmallows, ate grapes, pumpkin seeds, popcorn, and drank hot chocolate... It was a great evening! Here are some wonderful pictures!

The blessings in life

Today I went to a visitation. I know this doesn't fit the title, but just hear me out... This week I learned that a student's mom died.  She had battled with breast cancer for several years but was in remission for 4 years. She had a brain aneurism and died Tuesday night. This was sudden. She was sick, but they didn't know that she had Leukemia.  This student is always asking me for a hug, and she is always asking me when she'll see me again. Her confidence is lacking and now she will have no mom in her life to help that.  It breaks my heart. I'm not sure if this student understands what has happened yet.  I think that any time you face death, it doesn't become real until a few days after the funeral.  But this is her mom that hasn't been around for a few days, so who knows. Her face at the visitation seemed like she was kind of living in a dream land.

That same day we heard about the student's mom, we learned later that a teacher friend had lost her 3 month old son while he was at the sitters. She had just come back from maternity leave and he fell asleep for his nap and suffocated when he rolled over. This poor woman. I can't imagine the pain she must feel to lose a child.  I don't know if she'll ever get to the point where she can move on, at least no time soon.

So now that I've posted some pretty depressing things, the reason I have the title "the blessings in life" is because we must remember that the Lord gives but the Lord takes away.  We do not know his plan, but we must trust that He is good. He knows what's best, and He loves us.  Sometimes we can't see that (or rather we refuse to) because what we are going through seems to be so bad. But I need to remember that I am blessed.

This week was a particularly hard week for me. I had 2 conference nights (12 hour work days), learning about 2 deaths, drama at work, and a particularly difficult argument with Kenny. I had not gotten a single evening to be at home and went to bed after 11 every night of the week.

Still, I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband to have an argument with, I have a job that I love, I have students that I care about as well as colleagues that I care about, and I have a passion for my job that causes difficulty and drama when discussing students. Among these things I have wonderful friends, a great church, a house, food, a wonderful loving family, clothes, a great dog, and again, a fantastic husband. I know I can find more things, but the point is that I am blessed.

The hard part to realize is that even though these things are wonderful and enrich my life, they are after all, just things (yes, even my husband, family, and friends). The Lord can take all these things away from me and I still should say that I am blessed because of my God. All in all, God is what matters in my life, He is what makes my life blessed. He is what gives me hope and helps me to move on through life.

When bad things happen like losing your mom or even child, we must remember that as hard as it may be to see it, we are still blessed because we have the Lord as our Savior.

Another 3.1 miles...

     Tonight I ran my 4th 5K race.  I completely realize that running 3 miles to a person that runs is nothing (a lot do this on a daily basis).  But if you know me, you know that I was NEVER a runner. In college I lived in a house full of runners and I'd sit on the couch while they got in an "easy" 7... when I tried to run a mile, I almost passed out! I couldn't believe how difficult it was!
   
     While growing up I danced. That was my activity. It may have been dance team, show choir, theatre, or just plain fun dancing, but that was how I kept in shape.  I had no idea that running required a whole new set of muscles and a different type of stamina. I had learned to do some pretty intense dancing while singing (and singing well), so I could regulate my breathing, I had endurance, and I had stamina but apparently I had to rebuild my stamina for this type of exercise. (The picture is of me... center... my mom and my sister after running my 2nd and their first 5K last year).
   
     Tonight's run was very difficult. I have had a lot of congestion last weekend and it lasted until Tuesday night, so I didn't run Monday or Tuesday morning. I did run Wednesday, Thursday I lifted weights and did a small bit of cardio, but because I was awake really late on Thursday night doing a college assignment I didn't run on Friday... so... 1 run for the week... congestion... and to top it all off, on Friday I must have bumped my knee on a desk at work and Friday night I couldn't bend my knee or put a lot of pressure on it. I was sure I would be walking the entire race! This particular race (the Reggae Run) is in Ault Park in Cincinnati... which is all hills.... and big hills. I told Kenny that if I finished before 40 minutes I'd be happy...

I ran this race in 34 minutes and 15 seconds! I'd say the first 2-3 minutes of the race I was walking with my dear friend Gabe because we were toward the middle of the 5,000 person pack and there was no room to run, so I probably did better than my posted time! I was so excited. Running this race makes me think of the endurance, focus, perseverance, and determination it takes to live life.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training.  They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever, Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.  No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
1 Corinthians 9:24-27

We are called to "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" Colossians 3:23. I think one of the biggest thing I can learn is to apply the same endurance, perseverance, and even competitive nature to everything I do. It is important to train for my life as a representative of the Lord. I need to make sure that I'm ready for all the hills, cramps, and pains this life throws at me. I need to push through those ailments and have a goal, a target that I'm trying to reach. Living life aimlessly is tiring and hopeless, living life for the Lord gives me joy and an understanding of all the twists and turns, and it makes the prize that I'm running for real and ever lasting.

Isaiah 40: 31 says:
"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

This gives me hope that when bumps in the road of life occur, I know that the Lord will carry me through because I am not running this race aimlessly.

Mercy unexpected...

Last night Kenny and I went to the Red's game. I always enjoy being downtown, seeing the game, and cheering for our baseball team! What always makes me sad is the amount of homeless people around the stadium. As we walked from the stadium, over the highway, and up the hill on Race I saw people sleeping behind the doors to the underground walkway, on the cement benches, and on sidewalks. My heart breaks to see people there living like that. I always wonder what got them there.

James 2:14-16 says:
"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him?  If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?"


While I know that God has commanded us to love the poor and to meet their needs, I also know that just handing them money is not the way to help them. This verse even points to giving them clothes and daily food.  Kenny and I recently became Renew leaders for our community group and I'm excited to learn more about Mercy and how to serve others. In the mean time, I will still contemplate this issue (especially with my students needing mercy).

As we were walking back to our car I noticed a family ahead of us. This 12 year old girl (around 12?) was carrying two bags of something (popcorn maybe?). We walked by a man holding a cardboard sign. After we passed him the dad stopped and called his daughter to him. He then led her to the man to give him one of the bags. This broke my heart. What an amazing lesson to teach your daughter... mercy is important. I don't know the spiritual state of this family, but it was inspiring to see... I desire to raise my children the same way. I just pray that the Lord can teach me what He wants me to learn about His mercy!

So Tired

This is a phrase I'm so used to saying that my husband Kenny says I no longer need to say it, it's understood....

I have Narcolepsy. I was diagnosed in the fall of 2006 during my student teaching. I knew it wasn't normal how much I fell asleep at the wheel, how I couldn't keep myself awake late at night no matter how hard I tried, and that I actually fell asleep more often than not during nap time when working at a daycare.  I had a blood test done, and some sleeping tests... this was the conclusion... It's not easy to deal with, especially when tiredness is something that everyone experiences and everyone thinks they can understand or identify.

The best explanation I can give is this: if you've ever been severely sleep deprived for multiple nights in a row (think back to college) maybe averaging 3-4 hours for several days straight, that's close. Now imagine that feeling after having 8-9 hours of sleep. Not only am I tired, but my body aches, I can't seem to move sometimes, my head hurts, my memory stinks, I sometimes struggle to form sentences, I feel like I'm wearing a 10lb. lead vest, it's hard to lift my arms, and my energy is zapped out of me. This is almost a daily feeling, this is how I live. You can't just tell me to drink a coffee, or coke. Taking a nap only helps sometimes. Even my medicine (basically an amphetamine) only keeps me going for a while. There is no cure, and you can only learn to live with it.

During the summer when I don't work (therefore I can store up my energy) and I don't like to take my medicine all time I think I've beat Narcolepsy! lol. I can't believe I actually think that! Then the school year starts and I'm reminded how badly it effects me. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't want to go out with friends, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to cook dinners for my husband, I especially don't want to do school work.

It's easy for me to just give up. I constantly ask God why I have this. It's hard to tell myself that God is good, and He has a plan for my life. I have to try to remember that others that are dealing with a chronic condition could use me as a witness for God's goodness, but I have to believe it before I can preach it. Often with this physical pain comes guilt. I feel bad for my husband that our lives have to be sometimes dictated by Narcolepsy. We can't stay out too late, I can't drive past 10 pm, my lack of energy effects me in so many ways that also effect him. I pray often for our understanding of God's plan as well as patience concerning this condition. Any encouraging or God-glorifying words are welcome. :)